took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
