All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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