I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
