how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
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He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
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Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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