I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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