I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
