I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
