oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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