Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
