I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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