I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
