Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
