I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
They took my balls.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
