oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
