Since when is my name a synonym for head?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
