Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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