Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
