if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
