The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
