i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
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She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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