I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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