There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
