I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
