Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
