Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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