You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
