I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
