And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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