you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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