Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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