If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize