I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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