I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
