Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize