I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
