If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
