I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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