First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
