Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You are the jesus of drinking
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
