If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
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You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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