Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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