Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
