Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
