Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
