then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
