I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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