Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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