Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
