I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
