farters have to be the big spoon...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize