WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
