you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
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You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
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My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Im part way to drunk.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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