It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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